Saturday, 15 August 2009

Victoria Sponge joins 'The Ungrateful Pregnant Bitches Club'

Today’s blog is dedicated to Victoria Sponge, Mr. Sponge and Little Sponge. May you all live very happily and healthily together. Seriously though, you need to stop reading my blog because it is hazardous to the health of expecting parents……..

I have this friend called Victoria Sponge. She is petite and blonde and is never without her high heels. She has a husband who, despite lacking a little hair, is about as good a husband as a woman could get. They have been trying for a baby for some time. Whilst everybody around them got pregnant without really meaning to - literally tripping up and falling on dicks and procreating - the Sponges have been plugging away at it, boring themselves with it, driving themselves crazy with it and experiencing all the high and lows that such a task involves. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them as their friends offered them platitudes and promises and irritating advice (the Sponges literally crossed the word ‘relax’ out of their dictionary). We were all guilty of it. But what do you say to two people who you really love, when they desperately need some hope? It’s fair to say that at times they thought it would never happen.

And then finally it did. For Victoria Sponge keeping this a secret was an act of sheer heroism. She managed it though, for about 10.5 weeks until she threw up into her boss’s wastepaper basket.

When you have wanted something for so long, dreamt about it, imagined it and prepared for it, the only thing that can come after attaining it is disappointment. Disappointment!? I hear you cry! Surely not! Well, you know me well enough by now to know that this isn’t going to be a gushing piece of prose about the wonder of creation. So quit now if you can’t take the heat.

After the joy of telling her close friends, the low of the morning sickness began to set in.

“This is the beautiful thing?” she asked me. “This is what I’ve been praying for?”

Well Miss Sponge, now you are forcing my hand. Here are a few more irritating, unwanted pieces of advice from a well-meaning friend.

The only people who consider pregnancy ‘a beautiful thing’ are people who aren’t experiencing it, or have never experienced it. No pregnant woman goes around cooing and thinking ‘this is such a beautiful thing’. Like hell they do! They go around thinking the following things:

1) I feel horribly sick- I think I might die
2) I am fat, I have nothing to wear – I want to die
3) I need to buy flat shoes – I will look frumpy – maybe I should think about dying?
4) I have spots/heartburn/flatulence – I can’t leave the house - people will think I have died.
5) I need to piss constantly – I am using my Jamie Oliver saucepan as a chamber pot – my husband will die when he discovers this.
6) I am so angry - I want to kill everybody – you could die next!
7) I am so tired - I never want to get out of bed – have I died?
8) I have a rash that is only fuelling my anger issues – EVERYBODY IS GOING TO DIE!!!
9) I am so constipated that I could blow at any moment – death by shit explosion now looming!
10) I am constantly horny but who on earth would want to fuck me considering the above list and once I have given birth will my husband ever go down on me again? My vagina will die! Of neglect!!!

Believe me – this is the potted version. I have left a lot of stuff out. The danger is that you start to hate yourself because you believe that you are supposed to be grateful for being pregnant. You’re not. So, let yourself off the hook. If you start feeling guilty now you’re going to feel like that forever. After the pregnancy guilt comes the mother guilt and that’s even worse. It’s a never ending guilt trip. It’s absolutely normal to not want to be pregnant and you are not bringing bad stuff on yourself by wishing that you weren’t pregnant.

Look on the bright side. There are a few measly perks to pregnancy:

1) You don’t always have to queue up for tourist attractions.
2) If you’re lucky, people give up their seat for you on public transport.
3) You can blame everything on your hormones (even murder) and people will forgive you.
4) People smile at you more often.
5) Your local greengrocer may start to give you free fruit.

So, absolve yourself of all guilt. Try not to punch those who tell you "You're glowing!" when you know it’s constipation and badly applied blusher; and feel safe in the knowledge that millions of women just like you don’t actually enjoy being pregnant either.