Friday, 23 October 2009

Other Womens' Lives

This week my life has been very boring and borderline depressing (yes, again). By now you should know that I avoid blogging when my life is like this; so, seeing as I can’t share my life with you right now I’m going to share someone else’s instead.

Meet Lorna, a woman I have never met. Lorna is 36 and has recently received the happy news that she is with child. She is delighted. The father of the baby however, is traumatised. This is mainly because he never agreed to the conception, in fact, he wasn’t even consulted about the possibility of it.

Lorna on the other hand has been planning this meticulously for the past year. At some point in her mid-thirties she realised that she wanted a baby and didn’t really want a side-order of man to go with that. With a trail of failed relationships behind her she came to the conclusion that she had never really been very good at love, but didn’t see why this should stop her from having a family? On the practical side she had a property, a good job, savings, insurance and family near by. Everything she had achieved she had achieved by herself. Why should motherhood be any different?

So, having decided exactly what she wanted, she set about getting it. She cut out the cocaine and the booze and her London party lifestyle and prepared her body for a baby. She visited the gynaecologist and became intimately acquainted with her cycle. She looked for a man that could meet her requirements, even if he didn’t rock her world and after a respectable courtship she invited him on a two week fuckfest of a holiday. Knowing that she was only ovulating for a few hours, she fucked and fucked and fucked and fucked for two weeks solid.

A few weeks later she picked up the phone and called the man who had never rocked her world only to rock his. She told him exactly what she wanted from him which was pretty much nothing. She gave him the opportunity to be a part of her child’s life and that was that. She put down the phone, rubbed her bump and smiled. She had never been so happy in her life.

The moral of this story is: Never fuck with an intelligent, broody, thirty-something woman whose job is a ‘Strategic Planner’.


  1. I love this, for all the wrong reasons.. dare I say more...

  2. It sure is a cold hearted way to go about it.

  3. Why do I love this? I just do.

  4. I just dropped in from The Blogess's to say #1 that your card to her was sooooo great! #2 thank you for mentioning what you do when you can't write about your own life. I used to have a blahg called Halfway To France (you can see it in all its glory in Google Reader) that I shut down because my husband's adult daughters hate me. So, I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the writing urge. Your post has given me a tiny sliver of hope of salvaging something. Whatever... I like your style.

    Hope everyone gets well soon and thank you for the inadvertent encouragement.


  5. This is an awesome story, I hope you don't mind that I linked to it for my friends to read because it's my dream to pull this off someday!

  6. Sara in Austin,Tx27 October 2009 at 13:19

    Loved the sweet note (found you through Bloggess)

    You are incredibly talented and I shall add your blog to my daily "fuck off" reading time.

    Keep the good stuff coming!

  7. haha - awesome moral!

    I will need to keep coming back to visit!