Friday, 23 October 2009

Things I might be doing on a Saturday night if I wasn't a mother

It's been six weeks since I went out.

Six weeks.

I'm 32 - not dead.

So, because I know I won't be going out tonight I have compiled a list of things that I might be doing, if I wasn't a mother, staying at home, while her boyfriend works anti-social hours which has the knock on effect of her being anti-social too.

If I wasn't a mother tonight I would be:

Swanning around London in a vintage fur coat drinking cocktails

Dancing until 4am in a Burlesque club dressed in 1940’s clothing

Dancing to Reggae in a grimy club, until the sun rises, dressed in who gives a shit?

Laughing hysterically on Cupcake's floor surrounded by several girlfriends, several empty bottles of wine and several chocolate wrappers

Smoking weed with some hoodies at my next door neighbour's house party

Mildy flirting with a handsome man whilst knowing I have a better one at home

I would never condone binge drinking but you have to admit that this looks like a lot of fun.

This is what social life starvation does to you - makes the above look attractive.

You see all those binge drinking women? They're all mummies on a night off. And can I just say why is it always women binge drinkers adorning the front pages. And while we're on the subject why is it acceptable for men to piss in the street?

Anyway, thank god I'm going to Lady Violet's Circus of Horrors Halloween House Party next weekend where Vivienne Westwood and I will be dressed as Vampire Usherette Conjoined Twins. That should do the trick.


  1. I'm 32 and I must be dead. Dammit.

  2. I am so sad even the TV looks exciting and I watched ALL of Strictly Come Dancing last night...

    Going out? What's that?

    LCM x

  3. Mmm. Yyyeess.
    At least you live in a town where there is a POSSIBILITY of going out and doing something fun.
    I might actually have to go and kill myself now. It's been so long since I went out that your 6 weeks makes my brain go click whirrrr off.
    Thank God I am coming to London sans enfants & Husband soon and will spend the entire 10 days in a debauched state.
    I will go home looking a decade older, but as I WILL NOT BE LEAVING THE HOUSE AGAIN for another year, who cares?

  4. Oh, how I feel your pain. Cheer up though, because the Bloggess has linked you which makes you even more fantastic than you already are! x

  5. couldn't agree with mothership more-- 6 weeks is eating me with jealously. then again, i probably wouldn't be able to get shithoused given the opportunity. not because i'm afraid of ankle-panties, but simply because what if my child cries and i have to go home? let's face it, we're on the job even when we're off.

    btw, is that lisa marie presley ridin' that train??

    glad to have found your blog-- thanks for writing.

  6. If I lived nearby, I would babysit. You really need to have a normal night very very soon. I would have gone loopy ages ago without the help of my dear mother. Fabulous blog - I will update my blogroll soon and be sure to add you, sorry I haven't done it sooner xx

  7. Love it - though I am dead.

    It occurred to me recently that the difference with having a child is that I now no longer get to have those discussion with my husband where I complain that we no longer go out anywhere and I want him to come up with a time in the next, say month, when he's not working that we can actually go out. Now instead I complain that he no longer gives me backrubs and I want him to come up with a time in the next (yes you guessed it) month where I'd get a really good backrub from him. For the record, that deadline expires on Friday...

  8. I've often thought this on a saturday night... what would I be doing if I wasn't loading dishes, washing my sons stinky 'pee pee' pants and binge eating anything that resembles chocolate (including heinz biscottis) because I have banned it. A nice chilled wine/beer vodka in a bar, dressed like a hottie would be fab. I hear you troutie... thanks for sharing

  9. Lisa Marie Presley!!! I love it. x

  10. Hey! I found your blog through the Bloggess and you write everything that I'm thinking about for the last seven years. Thanks for this and I love that pic with the ankle panties. She sure is having fun, huh?