Monday, 19 October 2009

The Wasted Years

In my last post I got caught up in the empty world of Facebook and started churning up the past. Afterwards I remembered a letter I had once written. The letter always gave me satisfaction when I read it and as such I kept a copy. It was sent to the Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew and this is what it said.
20th April 2006

Dear David,

Thank-you for your assistance, last week on the phone, regarding my ‘mystery’ membership of Kew Gardens. I had strong suspicions that I knew the identity of my benefactor and it has since been confirmed to me that my instincts were correct. Having thought about this matter long and hard, I am afraid that I cannot accept this gift on a matter of principle.

Please be assured that this has nothing to do with Kew. I was there on my birthday last Sunday and had a lovely visit. Needless to say, I paid for my ticket and have not used my membership.

I would be pleased if you could refund Mr. X. XXXXXX (or whichever member of the XXXXXX family made the payment on his behalf), in full. I am not in direct contact with him and I would prefer it to stay that way therefore I would be grateful if you could inform him regarding his refund.

Please do not be tempted to feel sorry for him. He was a selfish and neglectful tosser who never took me to Kew Gardens in the ten years that we were together. Needless to say, three years on, I am now a much happier lady who is simply trying to forget the wasted years.

Many thanks for your assistance. I hope this has brought a touch of intrigue to your working life. I for one, being only human, have gained some small pleasure from this transaction.

Kind Regards,

Ms. X


  1. Oh that must have been so gratifying to write. And what was he thinking with that gift anyway?? Was that meant to be his apology for fucking your best friend (and by the way - what happened to her?)

  2. Brilliant. With any luck they explained in full why the money was being returned to him.

  3. Life's little pleasures: forgive but NEVER forget!

    Great letter.

    LCM x

  4. Perhaps you should put this on his facebook page? (Is that possible? Shows what I know...)

  5. Nicola - I dumped her too. Double Whammy. I haven't seen her in about 7 years - until this happened:

    Potty Mummy - That is almost possible. However; this is all a long time ago now. Best to let sleeping dogs lie. x

  6. "Tosser" just became my new favorite word. Second only to douche-canoe.

  7. Nice. A membership to Kew Gardens certainly won't make up for anything. So you did a good thing.

  8. I am so glad you made the vagina/nemesis story clear. I had been wondering about that.
    That was deeply satisfying to read, and must have been more so to write.
    I have often composed crushing retorts in my head, or brilliant rejoinders that I failed to say at the appropriate moment. Missed opportunities, every one.

  9. Outrageous but a compulsive read. I'm reading it from between my fingers! x