Monday, 30 November 2009

The Chocolate Man

On Saturday, for some unknown reason, I was incredibly horny. I wanted to shag everything that moved. Even the things I didn’t find attractive.

For example, in ‘Jamie’s Italian’, Brighton, I accidentally offered to ‘eat’ one of the bartenders. No, this was not outrageous flirting after one too many cosmopolitans; it was a genuine mistake.

Anyway, while we’re on the subject I promised Josie that I would explain my sexual antics with a local bus driver. So here’s the story:

Shortly before I met Bushman I was a Document Controller at a rail company. Yes, it was just as boring as it sounds. So to relieve the boredom, I started a mild flirtation with the man who wheeled round the chocolate trolley at 3pm. He wasn’t really my type, he was too short and a bit of a Mediterranean tart. On the plus side, he had a pert bottom, full lips, a sexy accent and he started giving me free chocolate. One day in the lift (limited room when the trolley was in there too) he launched himself at me and asked me out on a date. The evening ended with him drunkenly sucking my earring in the back of a taxi and begging me to sleep with him. This understandably didn’t turn me on.

Nevertheless, the candy kept flowing and he started showing me where he kept his chocolate (in the chocolate cupboard, no less) and this kind of sealed the deal. One thing led to another until we could no longer keep fumbling in the chocolate cupboard and going up and down in the lift groping one another. Eventually I agreed to sleep with him.

Having been in a relationship for ten years from the age of sixteen (see the Wasted Years), I was new to the casual fling. I knew he slept around and I made it clear to him that he didn’t need to lie to me about anything because I wasn’t in love with him. This made things kind of fun.

He suggested we get a hotel and although I was doing my best to model myself on Kim Cattral in Sex and the City, I was still naïve enough to think that he would actually stay for the whole night. Which is why I wasn’t too concerned when I didn’t get my full quota the first time round. We’ve got all night, I thought. And trust me ladies and gents, if there’s one thing I can do, its get to the top of that mountain.

While I was contemplating how to diplomatically point out that he hadn’t fulfilled his part of the deal, to my surprise he was putting on his boots. It was 3am.

The best part of this story is how he made his graceful exit.

“I need to go to the fish market to buy prawns for my Auntie” he said.

Now that is one fucking unique line to use on a lady.

It’s probably not so unusual for Chocolate Man to bump into someone he has slept with. But for me, there are very few men floating around this planet who have had the good fortune to spend the night with me. So when one of them turns up in my neighbourhood, driving a bus and honking his horn at me, forgive me if I’m a little taken aback.

I’ve been so caught up fulfilling my promises to women (unlike some) I haven’t even had time to tell you about my weekend spa antics. Unfortunately, I need to go to the fish market now to buy some prawns for my Auntie.

So you’ll just have to wait……..


  1. I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. I shall forgive you Chocolate Man ONLY because he was indeed Chocolate Man and there is not much I wouldn't do for free chocolate.

    I have had a handful of casual flings in my time. And all at the age of 17 just before I met my husband. I was thin, I was gorgeous, I could drop a man twice my age simply by looking at him. It's a good job they were so bloody good because I fear (no, that's the wrong word - I am quite happy with the fella!), I expect that they shall have to last me a life time. Now it's just a shame that I can't blog about them as my mother reads it... *sigh*

  2. the irony of this post is that you never realized what a catch the chocolate man was.

    he was in the business of taking care of women . . . a man who gets his prawns for his aunty at 3am is quite the gent . . . am i right?

    maybe he was hard to get to know or maybe . . . MAYBE his aunty was a blood-sucking vampire that was STARVING for his blood and he was late to feed her. maybe he wasn't talking about the prawns we were thinking of.

    maybe you were right in thinking that this chocolate man was not only inadequate, but also worthy of killing. wha? you didn't say that-- well i certainly read the implications-- because that is what i just might have to do. cut off his satisfied prawns.

  3. What an ass. I really object to men who think of themselves only.

  4. I couldn't agree more with Mwa!

    As for you Josie, fill me in on the gory details, you can have a sexy nickname and I'll post it for you. If my mother discovered this blog she would die of shame........and so would I.

    I should add that I did give him the opportunity to do the job properly and his performance was better, although it was definitely more about him than me.

    I stopped wasting my time when I discovered that as well as a string of women he also had a very young, serious girlfriend. The poor thing! I could never knowingly do that to another woman, so I stopped seeing him. Let's face it I wasn't missing that much......

    Even up until two years ago he was calling me asking if I was fed up with my boyfriend yet!

    As tempting as it would have been to cut off his satisfied prawns, freckltree, I did see the funnier of this episode. I'm not sure that the 32 year old me would have been so gracious though.

    Jesus! This has turned into another post!

    Thanks for your comments, as always, ladies.

  5. Such a funny, honest post! Wish i could say I haven't been there...but that would be a blatant lie. Did he at least leave you a bar of chocolate to consol yourself with? Maybe a yorkie bar which you could have eaten...or just used to finish the job he started? Ok can't really believe I have just said that.

  6. Awesome, very funny! I almost had a moment like this at a very professional company meeting. I saw a man's fairly unusual name on the attendee list and though "Oh god, Its that guy I had a one night stand with back when we were both grad students" Fortunteley he didn't show up, but I live in apprehension of the day our paths will cross again since we seem to have ended up in the same field!