Monday, 2 November 2009

Somebody Stole My Baby!

(or how freecycle made me look like a lunatic)

Freecycle is a wonderful thing. It means that lovely middle class people like me can get shit for free from other lovely middle class people. Everyone feels great about it. One person gets rid of that shit that’s been clogging up their under-stairs cupboard and people who need shit get what they want without handing over a penny. When the transaction is complete everyone has that lovely warm feeling like they’re really good planet-saving, morally superior, human beings.

Today I was a receiver, not a giver. I went to collect a buggy from a lady who lived in the posh part of a shitty district. She handed over the goods, gave me a quick demonstration and I was soon on my way. Naturally the easiest thing to do was to push the thing…..yep, that’s right, push an empty buggy around the streets of London looking like a nutcase.

There were sniggers as I walked passed the pub, worried sideways glances from passers-by and customers peering from shop doorways, nudging one another. Fully realising how ridiculous I looked I began to laugh at myself. Now I was looking properly mentally disturbed. Had I been smelling of urine, with a variety of plastic bags stuffed inside more plastic bags, nobody would have batted an eyelid of course; but a ‘normal’ looking woman pushing an empty buggy, laughing to herself, really seemed to freak people out. Perhaps they thought that I was trundling along, unaware that my baby had been stolen or worse still that I was out to steal someone else’s baby.

It crossed my mind that I could run into a shop and shout ‘Help! Somebody stole my baby!’ But I wasn’t really sure where things would go from there. Maybe I could start a national campaign in the style of Karen Matthews, enabling me to make a shed load of cash off the back of the grief of strangers? Or, setting my sights a little lower, could I get a free kebab out of this, I thought as I approached a take away? The waiter opened the door ‘What happened to your baby?’ he said laughing. I totally had to stop myself from claiming my baby had been stolen. I think part of me just wanted to seem normal to the outside world.

My last challenge was the bus ride home. I got on with the buggy still erect and even parked it in the buggy area whilst everyone stared intently. I was a woman with an empty buggy and a kebab hanging off the back. What else could I do but grin inanely? A little girl fixed her big, black eyes on me before worriedly shouting ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ Her give-a-shit mother shouted back ‘Shut up Alesha!’

Then came the most embarrassing moment: onto the bus came a real life Mum with a buggy and a real child. There was no way I would win the buggy-off without a fucking child in the buggy!!! I knew I was going to have to accept defeat and fold mine down. When she saw that I was childless and smelt my kebab she looked at me as if to say ‘What the fuck do you think you are doing, crazy bitch?’

The moral of this story is: If you must gad about town with an empty buggy and a kebab, make sure as hell that you stink of piss and have wild hair and have a lot of stuffed plastic bags within plastic bags, cause you ain’t getting’ away with shit otherwise.


  1. Shall I tell you what is slightly worse than this? Gadding about town with a buggy containing a doll and said doll's little owner is off somewhere else so you look like a total nut job walking around with a pretend baby in your care.

  2. Have you seen those freaky women that treat dolls like they're real? MUCH worse. They dress them up and parade them around in buggies, waiting for strangers to "ooooh" over their baby (doll)! I'd much rather walk an empty buggy.
    Here's the story:

    Great blog!


  3. another great one is that we'll go out with our double buggy and the twins will demand to be held. my mom will push the buggy in front while i am lagging behind with a twenty pound baby in each arm. i keep waiting for someone to introduce us-- very freecycle, right? "um, excuse me ma'm, i noticed that you are about to drop your children and have a massive heart attack. i just saw a woman, not twenty feet in front of you with, get this!, an empty double buggy. and she didn't look homeless or anything!"

  4. I think you could get away without the piss and the bag, provided you had one or two or a half a dozen cats.

    Just in case you ever needed to push a buggy again, but were all out of piss.

  5. Yes I like the idea of cats.Except you would have to restrain them somehow and cats get all pissy when they are tied up. You might end up with a buggy smelling of cat's piss. That could be a win win situation.

  6. See you need an empty buggy and a kebab to look like a bag lady. I think that I achieve that feat without either prop...

  7. Holy Shit, I nearly outed myself before ;-) I left a comment but it doesn't seem to have gotten thro, thank goodness because I had made another reference to anal sex..mainly that I hadn't used it the month I got pregnant with my 3rd child...4 months after the 2nd child..but I was under my blogging name. I am still safe so far, still the elusive and intriguing "Anon" xx

  8. I can just imagine this whole scenario.. very funny! x

  9. So, so funny. Love the story and the writing.