Sunday, 6 December 2009

PVC and a Turkey

My last post managed to include both sex and chocolate. This post isn’t nearly as good, but it does include PVC and a Turkey, so you may want to click your mouse at this point and get your kicks elsewhere….

Last weekend I was doing this

.........and this

Then this week I did this......

......and more of this

Yes, I too think that two spa dates in one week is a bit too much. Well…the second one was more of a one hour thing rather than a spa day. It was actually a maternity present from my colleagues which, if I didn’t cash it in soon, would have run out.

I didn’t really enjoy this one as much. Not because the Clarins Skin Spa at House of Fraser isn’t nice but it’s just that having a massage and then stepping out onto Oxford Street isn’t really that relaxing and the whole time she was giving me my 'Aromatic Full Body Balancer' I just kept thinking......

"Oh my god she's touching my feet, I should have pumiced them, I should have shaved my armpits and my legs and waxed my bikini line."

My masseuse on the other hand was pretty and polished and asked suitably vacuous questions punctuated by that beauty therapist laugh which must be a part of their NVQ or something. I have nothing against beauty therapists – indeed some of my best friends are beauty therapists - but this one was your stereotypical beautiful-but-blank type although not at all bad at her job, which is of course the important thing, as let's face it, I didn't go there to chat about foreign policy or climate change.

Anyway, I left the Skin Spa smelling damn good, if feeling a little oily.

I also saw Selfridges Christmas Window and the Oxford Street Christmas lights, neither of which can just be decorative anymore, now they have to advertise something as well, like Jim Carrey's latest movie.

This was my favourite window, nevertheless...

Last night I had dinner with Chanel No. 5 and Helena Rubenstein, who is finally pregnant.

“How far gone are you?” says Chanel No. 5

“Four and a half months” says Rubenstein.

“Well done.” says Chanel No.5 who finds anything to do with children very challenging. She follows this up with an anxious look as if to say “Did I say the right thing?” She may be wearing the latest Chanel nail polish genuinely effortlessly, but she is useless when it comes to responding to pregnant people.

“Everybody’s going crazy about that colour.” Says Rubenstein looking at Chanel's nails, “I knew you’d have it, it’s become so popular that there’s a waiting list. How did you get it?”

Chanel No. 5 is genuinely surprised by this. “I just walked into Selfridges and bought it.” she says.

Dinner was an unusually restrained affair. Rubenstein did well to stay out past 9pm and Chanel No. 5 was getting over the very recent death of her dog. Between us we drank one beer, one glass of Pinot Grigio, one glass of desert wine and a large bottle of mineral water plus a jug of tap water. Most of the alcohol was consumed by yours truly.

Last time we went out we sank about twelve cocktails. Rubenstein thinks this may have been when she got pregnant.

On this occasion, Fatty here, ate the full three courses, finishing off with sticky toffee pudding and was at home with her parents by 10.30. Not knowing quite what to do with myself, I went to bed and had a really amazing sleep.

Following on from my post about hotpants, Cupcake posed another interesting one this week: PVC.

“I’ve bought some PVC Olivia Newton-John type trousers, a see –through lace top and I’m wearing those with some killer heels this weekend.” She said to me while I was in Marks and Sparks deliberating over a Tuna or a Chicken and Bacon sandwich. She waited for my response until she was worried that we had been cut off.

“Are you still there?” she said

“Yes.” I said. “It’s just that you’ve silenced me. I’m really trying to think of a way to respond to that statement diplomatically. I think it’s safe to say that you’re still in that period where you’re not sure who you are after having a baby.”

“I haven’t worn PVC in years” she said

“I last wore it at the millennium,” I said “and there’s a reason for that. Surely PVC is just wrong?”

I have no idea how this story ends and it’s very possible that she pulled it off in that indomitable Cupcake style. Anyway, as soon as I know, you’ll know.

Meanwhile, prepare yourself for two things: Firstly my backpacking-with-baby adventures where I’ll be introducing a new friend of mine “Miss Stitchie” and secondly; my upcoming Christmas post where I am going be very un-Troutie like and more like Delia...........only better.

I watched her Christmas programme the other day and apart from wearing a really bad top she actually said, whilst thrusting sausage meat into the cavity of a bird:

“I’ve never had a dry Turkey in my life.”


  1. She also said "I happen to think sausage rolls are the ultimate canape to serve with drinks." Awww.

  2. Cannot wait to see you 'do a Delia'. Will put her to shame, of that much I am sure!

    LCM x

    p.s. check if you can still read my blog as have had to change access permission thanks to former employer who is so anal they think sarcasm means 'murder with intent' or similar.

  3. go the PVC.. can just see you as Delia!

  4. Absolutely, PVC trousers after the age of 15 are always wrong. Maybe Kate Moss could pull them off. That's it.

  5. it all sounds very cosmopolitan and exciting. Puts my dull life to shame.

  6. Oh Delia... I watched this too. Then she sliced the turkey and the meat looked somewhat dry ;)

    This is my first comment here (I've been a silent reader), so I'd like to say hello - I really enjoy your blog :)

  7. Thanks for all your lovely comments.

    LCM - yes I can still see your blog!

    and hello to Olalola!

  8. I should add that Cupcake sent me this text a few days later.

    "PVC pictures on Facebook. There are a few of me, a tad worse for wear, lipstick smeared across my face but a couple of alright ones too. Must say I was all the rage!!"

    As I said, indomitable.