Saturday, 8 May 2010

I got to wondering.......


It’s a dismal May morning. Awoken by some alcohol-sodden Kurdish guys beating the crap out of each other on the high street at 5am, we welcomed this timely alarm as Bushman was making his post-volcanic-eruption escape to Jamaica at around 6. In light of this, the fact that the election was a sham and there’s no bread in the house for breakfast there is only one thing to look forward to this morning: Sex and the City 2. (out May 27th)

It’s my only girly vice, (I don’t buy Heat or even Marie Claire and I don’t watch Desperate Housewives or Glee or any soaps) so ‘low it (as they say in jail). In homage therefore; here’s what’s been happening and what I’ve ‘got to wondering’ this week.




Chanel No. 5 spent this Wednesday striking over education cuts and marching to Trafalgar Square. All of this was done in a Louis Vuitton scarf discreetly tucked under a padded gillet. She left the Chanel handbag at home though because she felt that really was going too far. I got to wondering whether it was fair that one should cancel out the other? Still, you could just see the Sun headlines: ‘Teachers pleading poverty decked out in designer gear’

Meanwhile uptown…..


……Victoria Sponge was contemplating a Christening and wondering just how many phone calls a vicar has to return? While she waited for the vicar to call, she found herself experimenting with Cbeebies only to be thoroughly disgusted by the innuendo of ‘In the Night Garden’. She found 'Pinky Ponk Juice' particularly offensive.

Meanwhile downtown….


……Vivienne Westwood was hanging out in the Arts Café before her life drawing class in the hope of meeting her Napoleon. She also hung out at the Polling Station to see if love might turn up there……..Nothing.

I got to wondering….where do you meet the love of your life? Where do single women in their thirties go to meet men?

Meanwhile across town…….

…… Troutie was in the sonographer’s room with Bushman and son in tow. “We’d like to know the sex of the baby” she said. “I think it’s a girl and he thinks it’s a boy so which of us is right?”. The sonographer, imbued with the power of Simon Cowell on the X-Factor, allowed a moment’s grave and anticipatory silence before looking at Bushman and saying “You are.” as she turned to face Troutie.


So there you are…..it’s a girl.

P.S I’ve also been pondering the merits of Danish men (thanks to ‘Affluenza’ by Oliver James), how to wash a penis, how to fix a fucked-up piece of tapestry, what the policies of the Monster Raving Looney Party actually are, why I always have the hots for Laurence Fox when I’m pregnant and why girls are genetically attracted to pink (so I’m told)……but I’m saving all this for another time you lucky things.

10 comments:

  1. Congratulations on your girl! On a side note, the Monster Raving Looney party had a candidate called "Monkey the Drummer". Well worth a vote just for the name I think.

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  2. Congratulations on your girl!

    And yes, I think they *are* genetically attracted to pink. Goodness knows I dislike it, yet my daughter insists on decking herself out in it head to toe.

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  3. Having the hots for Lawrence Fox is a pregnancy thing. I'm just the same. So pleased it isn't just me who loses all semblence of standards when pregnant.

    Congrats on the girl, what are you going to do with all that pink stuff?

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  4. It's going to be a girl ! Marvellous ! I can't stand the colour pink, so far we're doing ok - my daughter likes her neutrals. You may find however that people will give her strange plastic babies with weird stick on hair - my daughter was also given Call Girl Barbie for Christmas - funny I can't think where I put that......

    Was Paul in ? He was really nice when we hung out....!!

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  5. Pink isn't genetic, girls are just smart. They see themselves (or at least other girls) swathed head to toe in it from the moment they exit the womb and they see the clothes and toys meant for them, all various shades of pink, and associate that colour with their gender. It's an easily-made association but because it is formed so early, we assume it's genetic or something, which is bullshit. It's just marketing at its earliest, most pervasive and ugliest.

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  6. Thanks to all you lovely people for your comments.It's making my grey day so much nicer.

    Belgravia - no Sir Paul McCartney wasn't in when I phoned him, but it was definitely his voice on the answer machine. What are the chances of dialling a wrong number and getting a celebrity!

    Noble - You do make me laugh! If you don't already know about it then you might like this site http://www.pinkstinks.co.uk/. I have to say I hadn't really thought about it like that, but I think you might be right......

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  7. Oh yes, I know all about Pink Stinks, love their work. That's the thing about all of these new 'studies' saying that girls liking pink is genetic. I'm sorry, but testing 4-year-old girls is leaving it too late. By that time they've been indoctrinated by the Pink Police and so it's impossible to tell if they genuinely like pink or associate it with what being a girl is supposed to be and look like.

    Can you tell this is an issue that chaps my arse? ;-)

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  8. I have an 8 month old baby girl - after 3 boys - shes delightful and different already. The boys adore her. I love your blog and as my little girl is snoring peacefully on my lap i would love to read more however boy 2 (age 13) is pestering me to help him make cakes.

    I found out the sex with my daughter but not the boys - funny huh- and i needed the time to adjust to the idea - but I LOVE HAVING A DAUGHTER SO MUCH and the clothes are so much fun- I dont really do pink either -theres stacks more.

    Anyway I will return - I can now hear crashing - the cupcakes have commenced!

    Amanda

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  9. Oh a girl!!! I love a girl! Congratulations!

    (And hurry up with the post about how to wash a penis - that will be a good one, I'm sure.)

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  10. I have a Danish husband. Am now intrigued by the book you mentioned!

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