Monday, 10 May 2010

Pulsating Questions

Yesterday morning I woke up cold. It could have been the fact that it was actually cold or it could have been the lack of a man in my bed. I started to think about the two weeks ahead of me. My mind wandered over the tasks I had set myself, the extra time I would be spending with my son and the fact that there would be a couple of nights when my son would be with his grandparents and I would be alone. This turned from being a pleasant thought to the sudden realisation that I no longer owned a vibrator.

In my life I have owned a few sex toys and but I find they don’t travel well from one relationship to the next. Whether you use them as a couple or purely alone, second hand sex toys are just all wrong. At the end of my relationship with Mr. Wasted Years I junked a whole heap of shit I had accumulated over our ten years together and my cupboards have been bare ever since.

Although I’m an open minded woman who has dabbled in this and that, I have discovered that my tastes are fairly standard. I have no extreme fetishes. There is nothing in which I’m compelled to indulge; but it is my firm belief that every woman should own a vibrator, so why haven’t I got one?

Yesterday, during my son’s afternoon nap, I set about finding one on the net. I know of two sex shops in London that I would actually visit. ‘Sh!’ in Hoxton, a women only establishment, and ‘Coco De Mer’ near Covent Garden.

Forget Ann Summers, that’s for your twenties. It’s like a box of Quality Streets, ubiquitous and uninspiring. It’s full of glittery rubber penises and Playboy bunny ears. Indeed it was where and when my last vibrator was bought.

Sh! is for your thirties. Still a prominently pink emporium, it’s cheeky but feminist-edged with its ‘Men by invitation only’ policy. It’s like a bar of ‘Green and Blacks’, much more serious about its chocolate content but approachable and with a wide variety of products on offer.

Coco De Mer however, is for your forties. It’s like a box of Godiva Chocolates; luxurious and out of the price range of most people. This erotic boutique offers riding crops with crystal studded handles, £470 ostrich feather ‘ticklers’ and some seriously expensive lingerie and bondage gear. Their sex toys are even ethical for fucks sake.

I was surprised at how much things had changed in the years since I last went sex toy shopping. Excuse me if I’m being naïve here but, hands free clitoral stimulators? A 'Blackberry' that you stick up your butt? Tongue Vibrators?

The hottest thing in vibrator land at the moment seems to anything made by Lelo. Although the ‘rabbit’ in all it’s forms is still probably the most popular item, the sleek and stylish, ergonomically designed toys by Lelo are undoubtedly the classiest thrill on the block. Starting at around £30 and in some shops reaching £100, I wondered if any orgasm could really be worth that kind of money? If it was, then I definitely wanted to try it. However; if I did spend that sterling amount, would I forever be calculating the cost of my orgasms? I worked out that if I came three times a week for 52 weeks of the year, I could get the cost down to about 65p per climax. Maybe that wasn’t so bad…

However tempting the thought of a £100 orgasm may be, I’m not sure that I am brave enough to part with that kind of cash, especially when I have been out of the sex toy arena for so long. What if, as Cupcake suggests, this is just the ‘Captain Stabbin’ phase of my pregnancy and that all too soon my lust disappears? Will I have a sleek designer machine simply collecting dust at the back of my cupboard? I could hardly resell it on e-bay.

As I peel myself away from my computer screen, with its promise of hi-tech, sexual sophistication and aspirational pleasure seeking, I remember that my son needs a new pair of shoes before his hulk like toes burst forth from his Clarks. I guess my bursting forth will have to wait…..

Needless to say I was paid fuck all to advertise these stores. If anyone would like to send me a £100 vibrator as thanks I would, of course, gracefully accept. No butt plugs though. I'm not a 'plug for a plug' kind of girl.


  1. 'Twas the 'rabbit' that started me off on my creative writing spree that goes by the title of 'An Innocent Disaster'... shameless plug that. And I have never ever owned one either, rabbit that is, living or pvc.

    LCM x

  2. Very informative and bitingly funny. I also need to update my sex toy arsenal. My last vibrator died a death a few months ago from overuse. Must check out those sites - gotta dash.