Date with the midwife - How honest are you?

Before I’ve sat down or even made eye contact with her, the sturdy African midwife makes her request.


“Urine?”


“I’ve literally just arrived, I was sent straight up here.”


She beckons me to sit down.


“Feeling well?”


I say yes, even though what I mean to say is “I have a bad back is there anything I can do to alleviate this?”


Lie number one.


“Eating well?”


Again, I say yes, knowing that not a single piece of fruit has passed my lips yet today and its 3pm already.


I notice that she ticks the box ‘discussed diet’


I personally would not have called it a discussion but being a box ticker at work myself, I understand her predicament.


“Ever smoked?”


“Yes.” I say. My first truth!


“Given up?”


“Yes.” I say. It’s two all.


“Alcohol?” buoyant from my two truths I let slip a third.


“Yes” and suddenly realising I may have revealed too much I add a lie.


“One glass of red wine a week – it didn’t hurt me last time.”


It’s now three all.


Her two word interrogation technique continues in this vein for some time including,


“Mental illness?”


To which I tell the truth, "No."


Then she takes my blood pressure, weighs me, (12 stone?! – sigh) and listens to the baby’s heartbeat. I squirm as she takes my blood. In the silence of the room I can hear my blood splashing against the plastic walls of the vial.


“When baby is born you sleep in the same room but not in the same bed. Yes?”


“Yes.” I say. Another lie as I am most definitely a co-sleeper.


“You breastfeed on demand. Yes?”


“Yes.” I say again thinking that this is still all very much up in the air


“Here’s your form to get your one ninety from the government. Book an appointment for three weeks time.”


“Yes.” I say fully expecting the pregnancy police to be waiting for me outside the door.

"Ms. Troutie, you are under arrest for drinking whilst pregnant, eating nothing but cake, intending to smother your child in her sleep and lying to the midwife. You'd better come with us."


Overheard in the prison yard today (this is the truth and not part of the above fantasy)


"It's so lovely out here in the sunshine, all I want is a bottle of beer, me boyfriend, me dogs and a line of coke. That'd be fuckin' great."


Top Tips for a good read this weekend:

The Knackered Mother's Wine Club

Today is my birthday



Plugs for friends:

A Southern Decline - the Phoenix Rises!

The Blossom Parlour- Bunting Queen