Thursday, 27 January 2011

Labia Majora

Somehow I keep catching that programme ‘The Joy of Teen Sex’ whereupon I have become fairly well acquainted with vaginas. I’ve seen close up shots of vaginas with STD’s and also vaginal ‘casts’ which look like this. The teenage boy featured in the programme was afraid of his girlfriend’s vagina and in their five year relationship had only gone down on her once. In a bid to make him more relaxed around her genitals he was taken to this Body Casting Parlour and made a cast of his girlfriend’s vagina.

I seem to remember my friend Cupcake phoning me up one day and asking me if I wanted to come to Brighton to look at a selection of vaginal sculptures on display. Sadly we never made it but I guess it was this guy all along.

The end result of all this vagina-gazing was that I was left thinking – hey, mine’s quite cute.

Its not without its problems though and today whilst on a visit to the doctors to get some contraception I decided to get it out to ask the doctor to look at something for me. And just in case you’re wondering, No, I didn’t just want to show him how cute it was, I had a genuine concern. He does the whole 'get undressed behind this screen’ thing and offers me any number of ways to cover my modesty. I tell him that after two children I’m certainly not prudish. He tells me that he has to have someone with him before he examines me. I’m a bit confused by this as its never happened to me before. Perhaps I look like one of those false accusers, perhaps he’s new, perhaps he’s out on bail….who knows. Anyway, he comes back in with the receptionist.

The RECEPTIONIST. I mean, that woman and I practically send birthday cards to each other I’m in there so much. Suddenly I don’t feel like getting out my cute vagina anymore but it's already too late. I make a lot of jokes while he examines me (none of them a play on the words ‘acute angina’) and I can see that even though she doesn’t really want to look, she can’t help herself. There she is peering over the paper towel with some kind of morbid fascination. Maybe my vagina is just too damn cute.

The doctor types 'Labia Majora' on my notes. It sounds floral to me somehow.......

When I get home Bushman informs me that there is dark brown wax coming from my son’s ear and that he needs to go to the doctor. Now I need to phone the doctor and I know exactly what’s going to happen. The receptionist is going to answer and I’m going to say “Hi, I’ d like to make an appointment for my son” and when she asks my name I’m going to say “Well a few moments ago you were looking at my vagina.......... now do you know who I am? ”

Who knows, maybe she'll say "Yeah, the one with cute vagina."


  1. You should put that on your business cards! "Writer, Mother, Wielder of a Cute Vagina"

  2. Oh, no you've made me go and look at a wall of vaginas. Next time I use floral as a term to describe a wine, you know I'll be thinking 'labia major'.

  3. Lovely post. Must click on the vaginas. I'm sure mine's cute too.

    My doctor doesn't have anyone else come in. Not even when he's using dildocam. Strange. And we don't get cover-up options in this country. We're out and proud. Well, out anyway.