Friday, 21 January 2011

Whoring and Housework

Mums need to connect. It’s a fact.

This is because being a mother can be one really fucking monotonous job at times. When I had my son in 2008 I went on to ‘Netmums’, posted a message on their ‘Meet a Mum’ board and after about a dozen dates made two friends. It’s a lot of hard work. So much hard work, in fact, that it became known amongst my friends as ‘whoring’.

Well, I’ve got the urge to go whoring again. I could do with meeting somebody who has a baby the same age as my daughter while I have a few months maternity leave left. I’ve contacted one lady who began her message by apologising for the lack of capital letters but she was doing one-handed typing with the baby occupying the other. Well I’m a sucker for anyone even remotely anal about punctuation. No doubt she’ll feature in a blog post in the near future, either as an anecdotal nutcase, or if she becomes a solid gold friend like Buttercup and Miss Stitchie, then she’ll get her own nickname.

Last night whilst doing some ironing (I know - I'm not sure how that happened either?) I found myself getting sucked in to 'Who Does What' on BBC2. Not that I needed a TV programme to tell me that, on the whole, women do a shit-heap more around the house than our dick-swinging mates (after all it wasn't Bushman doing the ironing!). But still, it was interesting.

Meet John and Lisa. They have a toddler and a six month old baby. He runs a building firm and lavishes his spare time at the weekend on his dogs who need to 'get a day out'. Lucky dogs.

Lisa is the Company Director of an antiques firm belonging to her family. She works full time and takes her six month old son to work with her three days a week. She can usually be found wearing loose fitting clothing comprising of a fleece and some pyjama bottoms (sound familiar?) and in reality there is little distinguishing her home attire from her work attire. There is a shot of her at work feeding her baby by balancing the bottle with her chin whilst clicking away on her mouse with her other hand (yep, I've done that before). She and her husband constantly bicker about the most pathetic housework related things. (yep, I've done that before too.)

Surveilance cameras found that she did 92% of the housework, not including washing up, of which she also does 91.4%.  Shall we go on?  Lisa does 84% of the food shopping and cooks 76% of the meals and when her husband did prepare food it was usually just for himself. Lisa also does 79.5% of the childcare.

However; of the 33 hours of childcare they recorded, 26 hours were quantifiable as 'passive', i.e where she was sitting down watching TV or doing some other non-interactive activity. (that's probably close to the mark with most of us.....). Confronted with his laziness, husband John smiles nervously and looks cheeky. When confronted with her laziness Lisa breaks down crying and says that she is a bad mother.

Dear Lisa, if by any chance you are reading this I would like you to know the following:

You are not a bad mother. 26 hours of 'passive' childcare amounts to 3.7 hours a day. The reason that you are sitting around in your pyjamas watching TV with your mouth open is because you are FUCKING KNACKERED. Perhaps if your husband devoted more time to you and your household and less time to making snacks for himself and giving those mutts a 'day out', you would have more energy to spend on yourself and your children. Rid yourself of the mother-guilt. You do however need to chill out a bit more and let your husband make shitty attempts at housework. In truth, he most probably makes deliberately shitty attempts so that you will deem it 'not good enough' and not bother asking him next time. And remember that the best mothers are slobs (or so I read here...)

I should point out that although John is a bit of a cockney-twat he does have his good points and sweetly reassured her that she was not a bad mother and that she needed more time to herself. Whether or not he makes the huge mental leap from saying that to actually making it happen is another thing.

Now talking of housekeeping, lots of you know how I hate those blogging award things. I am a bad blogger. But for all my bitchin' and moanin' I am soft-centred and when people are nice to me I find it hard to resist them.

So here is Michelloui who has left me some lovely comments and been very nice about me on her blog. I think in essence she has sort of passed on an award to me. Well for seven things you don't know about me you can find them in this post. I should of course follow this up with links to seven blogs but the day is slipping from my grasp and I have to pack a weekend bag because I'm off to spend the weekend with my cousin in a small village.

Will try harder next time. Promise.



  2. I am totally anal about punctuation. And spelling. And not using "and" at the start of a sentence, yet somehow I do that ALL the time. Bummer.

    The household statistics made me sad. For that woman. I don't think we're doing that badly at all.

    I need to go whoring too.

  3. You speak the truth many times. You're honest enough to come right out and say it like it is. I appreciate the fact that you're not shy about it. You go girl.

  4. Hiya, am linking to your String Vests post because I love it. If that's not ok, let me know asap & I'll take it down.

  5. You ladies are so lovely.

    Loved the capitals - Knackered Mother! (sorry, you are knackered.....)

    Mwa - I am in total agreement with you. I start sentences with 'but' and 'and' even though I get really cross when others do it.

    Nora that's very sweet, thank you. And as for you Ally (see Mwa, I did it AGAIN)of course you can link me. I'm very grateful.

  6. I've already made plans that as soon as I no longer need my mother-in-law around for childcare I am going to buy my husband his own laudry basket and then I am NEVER EVER EVER going to wash ANY OF HIS CLOTHES EVER AGAIN. Ditto COOKING MEALS FOR HIM and FOOD SHOPPING.

    I'd do it now only his Mum would do it all for him instead when she comes to stay. Which is why he and his two brothers are the most domestically lazy fuckers you're ever likely to meet.

    I'm raising two boys and there is no way they are going to watch me be a servant in my own goddamn house.

    This has touched a nerve with me - can you tell? (Breathes deeply)

    Love your blog by the way.

  7. My GOD - we'll be listening to men telling women they can't understand the offside rule next. You make a very good point m'lady - but am more than a little disappointed to hear about your actual ironing moment. Tut, tut.

  8. I cannot tell you how many times I wish some documentary film maker would come into my house and just film us for the benefit of British viewers to sit at home and argue over who does more work in our house. No, I am actually serious. My favourite is when husband comes in, sees I'm knackered, offers to help make dinner, I gratefully accept, then he sits down at the computer in the kitchen and reads about sport the rest of the evening while I alternately glare at him from the cooker and slam pans around to get his attention. Neither works.

    Good post.

    And I'll tell you a secret, I hate awards thingies too but felt I had to get on with that one as one of the people who sent it to me is a neighbour. And new at all this. So that's why I put no conditions on it, but thanks for the shout out anyway! :)

  9. I'm glad you don't do tags because I don't, so it makes me feel better about myself. But today I'm glad I read Mich's link to you as your blog has made me do loud guffaw laughs. Great blog, I'm sure I'll be back to read more of your posts.

    MD x