Thursday, 10 February 2011

Mum to Rolex and Chardonnay

This is just toooooooo good to ignore. It’s a gift.

So, while I was blogging last night and writing a mundane post, catching up on blogs and leaving comments for people, I came across this on ‘Jezebel’.

Its all about 'Mommy Business Cards'. Now if you follow the thread through and read all the comments there's a lot of arguing about how being a stay at home mum is a 'real' job. Well, we know that, but picture the scene: you meet another Mum at the swings/needle bins, have a chat and seem to get on well, the kids are playing nicely together and then as you're about to leave she hands you a 'Mum Business Card' covered with pretty little flowers which says 'Mum to Oscar' and her telephone number and asks if you'd like a 'playdate'.

Chances are I'm going to puke and then I would have to stop myself from shooting them. Or maybe I wouldn’t stop myself? What's wrong with writing your number in lipstick on a fag packet (OK maybe in my former life) or exchanging numbers by way of a strange new technology called the mobile phone?

Its great to be a mother, stay- at-home or working, who is proud of what she does; but waving your prissy little cards around is just so unecessary. It's as if you needed it in writing, to remind yourself and everybody else of your breeding accomplishments.

Get a life! Or an identity which doesn’t revolve entirely around your child. How did we come to be such a child-centred culture?

If you were to waste valuable seconds of your short life checking out the official ‘Mommy Card Page’ you would find the Top Ten reasons to have a ‘Mommy Card’. 'Top Ten' implies that they are more than ten but that they have picked the ten best.

I can assure you that this cannot possibly be the case because at least seven of these reasons are totally and utterly pointless.

The purple bits are the thoughts in my head.

Top 10 Reasons to use your Mommy Cards:

1. New moms you meet and want play dates with - OK. Its twee and doesn’t sell it to me but it does at least make sense.

2. Contact info for Babysitter . - Barely justifiable. Surely if someone is baby sitting your kids they might already have your number? Maybe you might use one of these cards if you went 'Speed Baby Sitter Dating'. (let's face it, it probably exists)

3. Neighbors. – Sorry? I can just imagine knocking on my neighbour’s door (I think she suffers from manic depression and even though I take in her parcels all the time, sometimes she simply ignores me in the hallway) and handing her a card with my telephone number and the words ‘Mother of Rolex and Chardonnay’ on it. I mean, come on, what the fuck is she gonna do with that? Look at it and go "Ah, how cute! You've cured me of my depression." Unlikely.

4. Existing friends (the cards are just too cute not to share) – Are you for real? This is unbelieveably pointless – unless you are on a mission to lose your friends, because they will realise you are a loser.

5. Put in holiday cards, birthday cards, thank you cards and more. – I'm sorry? Why? Surely, if you’re sending a card to someone, you already know them? Do they really need your self-validating, calling card? You are officially a loser.

6. When dropping off your child at someone’s house for a play date or birthday party. - I'm not even going to dignify this one with a response. Playdates are wrong; or maybe just the word 'playdate' is wrong.

7. If your child is lost you can give out the card with their picture on it to help find them. - Or you could just show them a picture from your phone, or the one you have in your wallet, or the tattoo you have of them on your arm. Or to make life easier, don’t lose your child. Or did you ever stop to think that maybe your child is trying to lose you because you are a loser?

8. Keep one in your suitcase or diaper bag in case it gets lost. – And then a stranger will call you up and arrange to meet you to give you back your lost property. And then they will kill you and cook you and eat you and send text messages from your phone making out you are still alive.

9. Will make grandparents smile. -  It will be a nervous smile. How did we create such a loser, the kind of person who would actually purchase these ridiculous cards?

10. Just for fun! Remember; this was supposed to be the ten best reasons for purchasing 'Mum Business Cards'. Do these people think we are totally fucking stupid?

Trust me my friends, this would NEVER work in Hackney.


  1. What about as a warning? "Hi! I'm Oscar's mother. Oscar has a gluten allergy, and bites."

    Or perhaps for bragging rights: "Hi! I'm Laura's mum. Laura is very advanced for her age. Laura already has the IQ of a St Bernard."

    Man, I want some Mommy Business Cards now and I'm not even a mommy.

  2. Ok, that its about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of!

  3. LOL. Yes, your kid is trying to lose you because you are a loser. What a bizarre suggestion. Can you imagine having a missing child and then screaming to the police, "But it's okay! I have business cards! We'll just pass them out and he'll be home by supper!?! Oh my God. Good thing I thought to get those!"

  4. That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. For all the reasons you listed above. OMFG some people have issues and should really be put out of their misery.

  5. *rolls eyes. Bangs head repeatedly on table*

  6. My children all have their own business cards.

    My daughter's reads,
    "I am Blossom. I am capable of wittering on about nothing in particular for hours on end. I lost my first tooth this week. When I grow up I am going to be more bossy than my mother. You have been warned. P.S. I don't have a mobile phone number (yet) so you will have to do something ridiculous if you want to catch my attention. But not a Mummy Card. That is punishable by death."

    LCM x

  7. And I get them where, exactly?

    That was a joke.

  8. I like Ally's response to this. Warning cards. 'Amy is very quirky and may decide she hates you on a whim'. 'Will not eat humans. We think.'

    But yeah, I hate the idea of mummy business cards. I have blog business cards, but seriously, I can't think of a situation I would be in that would warrant a mummy card. I may as well just say 'Hi, I'm a wanker who thinks you're way more interesting than I am, can I steal your life?'

  9. Oi! Wine reccs for you over at mine (in the comments)...btw why no on twitter?

  10. Seriously, this is just fucking ridiculous. I think if we pulled out one of these in Hackney, we'd get shot.