Monday, 11 April 2011

Baby Get Shot

Recently Bushman put a nail in one of our doors and hung a calendar on it. Why he didn't put the nail in the wall I'll never know. Anyway, this is supposed to aid the organisation in our household - shocking in itself as Bushman never organises or plans anything. Ever.

Despite this well meaning attempt at commitment visibility, it's not exactly going to plan.The trouble is that Bushman and I can barely communicate with spoken words and thus the written word poses even more problems. He doesn't seem to understand anything I write on the calendar.

"Wha dis?" he asks repeatedly for every entry for the month of April.

Even after I explain what I have written he asks why I feel the need to put it on a calendar. Like my parents' holiday dates, my cousin's dog going to the vets, etc. I have my reasons - does he really want to hear them?
On Saturday Vivienne Westwood came over for a bottle of wine and an over-salted dish of paella.

"What's this?" she says pointing to a scruffily written sentence on the calendar under April 19th.

I vaguely recognise Bushman's virtually illegible text, the result of too much time spent in the bush in Jamaica building camps and fires and not enough time at school. I squint my eyes, tilt my head and  eventually make out the words "Baby get shot"

Vivienne is utterly baffled. "What the hell does that mean?" she asks

"Well, although it seems to indicate that Bushman has taken out a contract on our youngest, I believe it actually refers to her next set of injections". I say.

Regular readers may recall the recent letter from the doctor regarding baby's lack of injections.....

The most important thing on the calendar at present is the Royal Wedding. Not because I really give two hoots about Wills and Kate but because we get an extra days holiday and I am going to be in Dublin with Cupcake at a friend's wedding. WITHOUT MY CHILDREN OR MY BUSHMAN. The excitement is almost unbearable. Three days and three nights with Bushman in sole charge of the kids.

Do I worry about what will happen when I'm not around to translate the calendar and keep a routine? No. They will all live. They will be dessed in mismatching clothing and eating cake for breakfast but they will live. Will I miss them?

I honestly have no idea.

I'll let you know.


  1. Yes, you will miss them, but you'll be so busy enjoying yourself that you won't remember you're missing them!

    I have a calendar with lots of odd event on, too. No one reads it which kind of defeats the object of it being there!
    CJ xx

  2. ha ha! Even more amusing since I was chastised this weekend for my "calendar skills" which need "revising."

  3. I love the calendar thing- I think it's because I love writing lists and am a touch anally retentive. . . do kinds knock that kind of crap out of you :o)

  4. I only ever get any kind of joint communication between myself and Husband when I steal his iPhone and put events into the calendar with multiple alarms. Even that is not foolproof.
    I make a point of leaving my husband & kids for at least a week every six months & buggering off back to London to kick my heels up. I've done it since my youngest was a small baby. I highly recommend it to every mother I know and I don't miss them one jot while I'm gone.
    But maybe I'm just a hard nosed bitch?

  5. not kinds... kids.

    oh dear clearly a long day

  6. Wonderful, wonderful stuff, it has been far too long since I last visited your hilarious blog. Keep up the good work - but enjoy your holiday first.

  7. Oh that just sounds like the best thing ever. I'm just thinking which friends I can push into marriage now so I can have a weekend away on my own.