Can't believe how many months have passed since I was last here. Service was interrupted mainly due to my daughter throwing a tantrum and knocking a glass of red wine over my(new) computer.
Then, my long suffering father took said computer to some cockney wankers who kept the blessed thing for three months before telling me they couldn't repair it.
Meanwhile I had to go to a funeral in Jamaica.......
During this 'holiday' my credit card reached an all time high and my mothering reached an all time low. I had to sleep with both my children in a small double bed. Bushman, slept elsewhere. Not only was I sleep deprived but sex starved. Not a good combination.
My kids behaved like spoilt, foreign assholes. In fact, I had only been there three days when I called my mother and insisted that she take my children from me the moment that I landed back at Gatwick.
All of this was before I'd even had my now infamous 'Montego Bay' meltdown. This was when I shouted at my son so much that a security guard followed me out of a shop and told me not to treat my child so roughly.
I was livid.
I wanted to say ......"But you beat your fucking children in this country!!!"
Rather than hurling abuse at the security guard I chose to hide in the back doorway of a fried chicken shop instead. I was so ashamed of my spoilt son and his ungratefulness and so angry at the security guard that I was reduced to tears. Even in the doorway I couldn't get any peace, just constant cat calls from lecherous men offering to 'comfort me'. So, I fell back on the one thing that is always guaranteed to make me feel better. Swearing and smoking.
I went into a shop to buy some fags with the angry tears still drying on my face. A male shop worker offered to help me and then just as I was cooling down he said "What's your name?"
"Look, I don't have time for this fucking shit right now, just give me the cigarettes." I said to him.
So the thing I learned as the only white girl in the non-tourist part of Montego Bay is ... apparently, I can't act like a local. I'm expected to be refined and have manners.
Well fuck them, I'm NOT Kate Middleton.
Those of you who followed the Supercat Saga will be pleased to know that he spent his first Christmas cosied up with a brand new owner. That was definitely my good deed of 2011.
So, to be honest whilst I love a good blog, I have a lot of pressures on me right now as I am just a few days away from becoming a registered charity. Sadly, I can't tell you much about it because this blog, has always been, and will remain, anonymous.
But the good news is - I finally got my head around Twitter!
I may not manage a blog very often but I can definitely manage a Tweet.
You will find me under troutie77
Hope to see you around sometime.