Wednesday, 13 January 2010

My favourite picture / Things I miss

Ok, so maybe I’m lying a bit. Maybe this is not absolutely and definitely my most favourite picture of all time. But I had to find something for Muddy and it’s a picture that I am able to upload which is cheeky and anonymous and reminds me of a time when my arse was something I was prepared to show off. This picture was taken in 2005, in a hotel corridor, in Central Park, New York, on a hen weekend. Enough said.

I noticed that Josie (Sleep is for the Weak) had ‘Things I miss’ as a writing prompt. Well, I was prompted by her and by this photo and also by Very Bored in Catalunya who’s trying to get some pervs off her back.

Anyway, here’s something I miss….

I really, really miss my bum,
It’s strange to think that at twenty-one,
My bum could make me feel quite glum,
The cellulite had already come.

And now that I’ve reached thirty-two,
I realise I was such a fool!
Whatever I thought was wobbly then,
Now simply pales in comparison!

But then I stop and think of men,
Who never fret about their rear end,
Why should I let this worry last?
Eat cake, drink wine and sod my arse!

Monday, 11 January 2010

Is it just me?

Thank god that somebody with a superior brain to me, had the foresight to put this symbol on the stackable storage boxes I purchased recently from Ikea.

Sorry for the shit picture!

Because, for a moment there, I was seriously contemplating putting my baby inside a plastic storage container and putting the lid on. You know, one minute your putting them in the box to play boats or cars or trains and the next minute you’re putting the lid on and wondering where to stack them? Under the bed? On top of your wardrobe? The choice is endless and babies are so temptingly storable and stackable. I don’t even care if storable isn’t a word because I’m just so grateful to the Swedish genius who has just stopped me from suffocating my baby. I can’t believe how close I came to tragedy.

Now that disaster has been averted, I can concentrate on all of you. Apart from my son breaking his cot, trying to hit me over the head with a real hammer, choking on salami and pissing all over his new bed, my life has been kind of dull. Lots of you have left nice comments and requests to which I shall now respond.

First up geekymummy. I am totally blown away by the fact that she is a scientist. I would just love to say that to somebody at a dinner party…..

Them: What do you do?
Me: Me? Oh I’m a scientist.

Anyway, Geekymummy tagged me for ‘High fives of 09’ and said it was 'Ok if I couldn’t be arsed with it'. I mulled it over. I had to come up with five good things about 2009. Easy, I thought; I had an OK year. In my mind I reeled off about two things, blogging, blah, blah and then I totally struggled. So I’d like to thank geekymummy for put 2009 into perspective for me. All in all I guess it was kinda shit; but that’s OK.

Now to Muddy (How I like my coffee). After my last post where I was childless and tipsy (Oh how things change, did I mention the hammer?) she suggested that I join in with Tara’s (Sticky Fingers) favourite photo meme. Firstly I have to say, I can hardly type the word meme without getting incredibly irritated. It’s SUCH an annoying word! Especially since I now know that it rhymes with cream.

Anyway, the point is do I have a favourite photo? Well, no, I don’t. I have tons of favourite photos like I have tons of favourite songs and films and books and handbags and fans and necklaces and dresses and cake and booze!

Anyway, I’m going to try really hard not to be a party pooper and come up with something just for Muddy - especially as she said she thought I might have something fab to share. I probably do, it just might take me a day or two to come up with it and yes, I do realise that I am already way behind……….

Lastly, a lady with an interesting name: Selaen. I’ve said it to myself with a variety of vowel sounds and accents, stressing different syllables, etc, etc and now I can’t get the word ‘Sealion’ out of my head. I’m sorry for this. I think it’s really important that people’s names are pronounced correctly, so if anybody can help me with this one I would appreciate it.

Anyway, Selaen scoffed at my penchant for Cosmopolitans. I don’t blame her, they are a bit obvious. Like many women, I had never drunk a Cosmopolitan until I saw SJP swigging them in SATC. I fully admit to this. So when Selaen touted the idea of a Dirty Margarita, I thought, yeah, let’s give this a shot. Maybe Cosmopolitans are a bit passé? Maybe a girl like me should be drinking a cocktail with the word ‘Dirty’ in the title?

Having no idea what a ‘Dirty Margarita’ was, I did what I always do – I googled it.

Now then Selaen; up first on my google list was Urban Here are their 3 definitions of a Dirty Margarita.

1. The act of licking the rim of ones bung hole.

2. When you sprinkle salt on your penis and proceed to slap a woman across the face with it.

3. Fingering a chick while on her period. When you pull your fingers out you wipe them on her upper lip and chin. Similar to a Dirty Sanchez.

Selaen says she likes anything with Tequila in it. What she does with herself after all that Tequila is anybody’s guess. So Selaen, please furnish me with the following information.

1. Help me with pronouncing your name
2. Please let me have your Dirty Margarita recipe because I am almost afraid to research this any further with the help of Google.

Lastly, is it just me or is covering your penis in salt and slapping a woman across the face with it, almost as bizarre as thinking that somebody might store their baby in a stackable plastic container? Really, you couldn’t make this shit up………

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

I’ve got a Cosmopolitan to keep me warm

The snow is snowing, the wind is blowing but I can weather the storm – I’ve got a Cosmopolitan to keep me warm……

My son has been kidnapped by my parents and is now (conveniently for them) unable to come home because they are ‘snowed’ in. So what does a girl do?

She puts on Ella Fitzgerald, makes herself a large Cosmopolitan (sans measures), takes down her Christmas Tree and bids farewell to the season in style…….

Lets hope for more snow tomorrow and no work!


Sunday, 3 January 2010

Christmas - It's a wrap

Tonight Bushman made a prawn curry so hot that I’ve had to drink half a bottle of prosecco to cool off. Except that now I’m quite tipsy, so bear with me friends.

Tomorrow I return to work. The holidays are over, my wine holder is empty, my cupboards are bare and my stomach is enormous.

Here is my bullet point Christmas for your consumption

  • A big family Christmas on Christmas Day – with my grandfathers’ ashes on the mantelpiece.

  • Some of my best presents were: four martini glasses, four handmade Betty Jackson champagne glasses, two pairs of Elle Machpherson knickers, a handmade cherry necklace and the fact that my son has started walking!

  • Boxing Day with friends and a game of Family Fortunes.

  • 27th December – lunch with our Jamaican family including goat soup, roast lamb, jerk pork, rice, coleslaw, Christmas cake and red wine.

  • 29th December – my mother’s car was towed away by the DVLA because she had forgotten to pay her tax. She was mortified “It’s like being a common criminal!” she wept.

  • New Year’s Eve – I experienced the golden spangled vipers nest (ladies toilets) of a pseudo swanky club- I had forgotten just how much effort the ladies toilets in a club can be! Thank god I was able to drink tons of free champagne.....

  • New Years Day – recovering with Mary Poppins.

  • Yesterday - a lovely winter walk in Epping Forest.
  • Today – purchasing a sofa in the sales.

  • In summary I overdosed on: Booze, pork (all forms), chocolate, pate and Agatha Christie. I made zero resolutions for the New Year but compiled a list of things to do in 2010, which includes a tapestry project.

I'm going to leave you with some lovely pictures of my winter walk in Epping Forest. My way of saying 'Happy New Year' - before I am back later this week moaning about how much I hate work, blah, blah, blah......