For example, in ‘Jamie’s Italian’, Brighton, I accidentally offered to ‘eat’ one of the bartenders. No, this was not outrageous flirting after one too many cosmopolitans; it was a genuine mistake.
Anyway, while we’re on the subject I promised Josie that I would explain my sexual antics with a local bus driver. So here’s the story:
Shortly before I met Bushman I was a Document Controller at a rail company. Yes, it was just as boring as it sounds. So to relieve the boredom, I started a mild flirtation with the man who wheeled round the chocolate trolley at 3pm. He wasn’t really my type, he was too short and a bit of a Mediterranean tart. On the plus side, he had a pert bottom, full lips, a sexy accent and he started giving me free chocolate. One day in the lift (limited room when the trolley was in there too) he launched himself at me and asked me out on a date. The evening ended with him drunkenly sucking my earring in the back of a taxi and begging me to sleep with him. This understandably didn’t turn me on.
Nevertheless, the candy kept flowing and he started showing me where he kept his chocolate (in the chocolate cupboard, no less) and this kind of sealed the deal. One thing led to another until we could no longer keep fumbling in the chocolate cupboard and going up and down in the lift groping one another. Eventually I agreed to sleep with him.
Having been in a relationship for ten years from the age of sixteen (see the Wasted Years), I was new to the casual fling. I knew he slept around and I made it clear to him that he didn’t need to lie to me about anything because I wasn’t in love with him. This made things kind of fun.
He suggested we get a hotel and although I was doing my best to model myself on Kim Cattral in Sex and the City, I was still naïve enough to think that he would actually stay for the whole night. Which is why I wasn’t too concerned when I didn’t get my full quota the first time round. We’ve got all night, I thought. And trust me ladies and gents, if there’s one thing I can do, its get to the top of that mountain.
While I was contemplating how to diplomatically point out that he hadn’t fulfilled his part of the deal, to my surprise he was putting on his boots. It was 3am.
The best part of this story is how he made his graceful exit.
“I need to go to the fish market to buy prawns for my Auntie” he said.
Now that is one fucking unique line to use on a lady.
It’s probably not so unusual for Chocolate Man to bump into someone he has slept with. But for me, there are very few men floating around this planet who have had the good fortune to spend the night with me. So when one of them turns up in my neighbourhood, driving a bus and honking his horn at me, forgive me if I’m a little taken aback.
I’ve been so caught up fulfilling my promises to women (unlike some) I haven’t even had time to tell you about my weekend spa antics. Unfortunately, I need to go to the fish market now to buy some prawns for my Auntie.
So you’ll just have to wait……..