Friday, 17 July 2009

And when did you last see your vagina?

It dawned on me the other day that I hadn’t looked at my vagina in almost a year. I mean, I know its there because I’ve used it. But I hadn’t had a good in-between-the legs-with-a mirror, kind of look.

The last time I did look was shortly after I had given birth. Although I had in mind a hippyesque home birth, all did not go quite to plan and I ended up in hospital sporting stitches. Nothing major happened but in terms of my birth plan (and who the fuck read that?) everything that I didn’t want to happen, happened. Well, that’s the way it goes.

A few days later when I needed to shit, I feared for my life.

So, I phoned Cupcake, who had been with me through everything.

“I need to shit. How many stitches did I have?” I asked, “and how far apart are they?”

Unable to give me exactly the answers I desired, I knew this was something I had to do. So armed with an angle poised lamp, a towel and a mirror, I went off in private to investigate. I expected to see something that looked like it had been mauled by a Rottweiler. It looked a lot better than it felt. I couldn’t really see the stitches, though I knew they were there, by god did I know they were there. Since then I haven’t looked at all. I haven’t even had a frickin’ wax! Soon my son is going to be a year old. I think it’s about time I got my shit together. Don’t you?

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