Monday, 26 July 2010

A Triple Whammy

This morning my phone rang at 8.41 am. I was in bed and my phone was in the next room. It was ringing in that Cupcake emergency kind of way but there was no way I could get to it.

A short while later I phoned her back. My voice had that just-woken-up-gravelly-edge while she was hungover:

“One bottle of wine turned into three and a mojito” she groaned. I felt a pang of envy which soon disappeared when she delivered her triple whammy.

“One shoplifted pair of earrings, a plastic figure of Ganesh, an empty bag of weed and a morning after pill packet – empty and she hasn’t come on her period.”

These were the spoils from her 15 year old daughter’s bag, taken while she was sound asleep this morning. Stoned and pregnant? No wonder she was sleeping in, it certainly takes it out of me….

“What do I do?” she says

I have very little experience of dealing with teenagers so I said.

“I would have taken them out of her bag and lined them up on the table for her to explain when she got up. The fact that you’re hungover is good because you’re too fucked to be properly angry.”

The problem is, being something of a wild child herself, taking the moral high ground isn’t much of an option for Cupcake.

So here are three questions for you.

1) Do you go through your kids things?

A colleague of mine at work, a beautiful, neatly put together, level-headed woman once admitted to me that she regularly checked her daughter’s diary and personal effects. “You just do.” she said when I stood there open-mouthed.

2) How do wild mum’s parent?

Do you tell your kids about your experimentation with drugs, your brief addiction to fruit machines, your flirtation with topless modelling and the orgy you went to so that your kids can benefit from your experience, or, do you lie through your teeth and pretend that you were practically Amish as a teenager?

3) What should Cupcake do?

I have no fucking idea on this one……

As for my life, the sewing marathon continues. Since we last spoke I have knocked up (pun intended) two pairs of kimono shoes (really difficult to get a perfectly matching pair – mixed results), one pair of frilly knickers, one pair of non-frilly knickers, one pair of pyjama trousers, one pair of shorts and a matching tie and I have cut the pattern pieces for an A-line dress made from this fabulous vintage fabric,

which will have a cerise pink lining.

I may not have been Amish as teenager but I’m certainly turning that way now, I have a tapestry callous for fuck’s sake…..

I’m going to leave you now with a confession, a drinks recipe and a thought for the day.

Confession: I have been eating pate.

Drinks recipe: Freeze lychee juice. Once frozen, crush and add to Rose Cava.

A thought for the day from Gloria Steinem:

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”


  1. I remember my father asking me if I smoked in the car back from uni- at Christmas. I said no (I didn't then!) and then he asked me if I smoked anything else - I panicked looked at him as if I hadn't heard and turned the radio on!
    My father (not a wild child but had dabbled in pot!) then said that it was ok as long as no hard drugs were ever involved as he had lost too many friends to this. I nodded and smiled.
    I've no idea if your friend should go through her daughters bag but I think as a semi wild child myself I probaly will but like my parents will never say anything just leave things in view (when once hidden) to tell me they know.
    Is that any help? I dunno - children both 6 and 2 will take a while to see!

  2. I love that quote!

    Well I have to admit my life has been fairly staid, but I'm tempted to lean towards "admit nothing!" to your kids. Wait till they're older and you're not plying them with excuses and alibis they can still use.

    I think she has to talk to her daughter. I don't know what she should say... but I think she has to talk to her.

  3. I have eaten lots of pate this pregnancy. You have to draw the line somewhere. If I hear what my mother used to consume...

    As for the questions, I have no bloody clue. I hope I never have to deal with that kind of thing. I think I wouldn't go through their stuff, but then they're only little so what do I know? I thought I wouldn't do so much stuff before I had them.

  4. Haven't ever commented before...I was something of a wild child...and am now having these conversations with my older daughter (still thinks sex is gross but I can see the future crashing at us..) I've been honest with her about things but not explicit (ie. I did have sex with other men before Daddy but I didn't tell her how many or the sordid details). Because if nothing else, I do want her to know that I DO know what its like and I do have some regrets but most important WHY I have regrets. And that ultimately she gets to decide, since I can't "make" her behave any particular way. And yes, I would totally go through any of my 4 kids' stuff -- and remember exactly how violated I felt when my parents did it to me. Because I remember how stupid I was when I was that age!

  5. Coming out of lurkdom with my two pennyworth of assvice. Please tell Cupcake to talk to her daughter even though that probably means admitting the bag inspection. Daughter needs to be checked for a pregnancy and/or STDs as soon as possible. If clear, then have her go on the pill - saying 'no' to sex is not going to happen now, but try to enforce the information re condoms as they will protect against STDs which she may not realise could impact her future ability to have children. The weed is possibly not so awful although it probably makes her more likely to indulge in risky behaviour but other drugs could be far more of a problem. Talking is the only way to get through this I think and I hope she and her daughter reach some sort of acceptable agreement very soon.

    Love your blog and hope the next few weeks pass safely and with as little discomfort as possible.