Friday, 25 February 2011

Pissed


You're probably thinking that this is another post about drunkeness.

It's not.

The question I have for you today is:

Ever been so angry that you wet yourself?

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of passing a child through your pelvis this is probably (and hopefully) an alien concept. But all too many of you will know exactly what I'm talking about because - let's face it - Pelvic Floor Exercises  - are just another one of those things on our 'To do' list, post-pregnancy. Like we don't have fucking enough to do, we now have to spend any spare nanosecond contracting muscles we barely know exist?

Let's be frank, some of us are a little weak in the bladder these days. A little leakage accompanying a belly laugh, a star jump (especially on a trampoline) or any number of other momentarily strenuous activities, just happens sometimes and whilst it doesn't have us ordering 'Tena Lady' by the truckload,  is enough to make us feel mortified. Only the bravest women actually talk about this openly. "Are you slightly incontinent too?" isn't going to increase your glamour factor or win you any friends at baby group.

Yesterday, my son was resisting bedtime. In the midst of a nappy change my dearest friend and cupcake entrepreneur, Lady Violet, called me on the mobile. With the recent opening of her new venture she has been busy and I hadn't been able to speak to her. I answered the call and my son started running around without his pants on. He followed me into the living room.

"Don't wee on that sofa." I warned him as he clambered up to sit beside me.

Within seconds a silence fell over him, barely noticed by my chit-chattering self, and suddenly something warm and wet was seeping into my clothing. I turned to see him holding his penis and weeing, not only all over my sofa but all over me as well.

Instantly, I finished my long-awaited conversation and as the warm urine on my back and trousers started to turn cold, I felt the rage rising from within and as I shrieked at my son every muscle in my body contorted and there it was......momentary incontinence.

In other words, I was so pissed off that I pissed myself.

I sent an apologetic text to Lady Violet for our curtailed conversation to which she responded.

"Your son gave you a golden shower!!!"

Nice.

Coming up next week........

Plenty of things going on in Troutie's life including........... a belated Valentine's dinner in Chinatown tomorrow night - can Troutie stay sober or will she disgrace herself  as per usual? A photoshoot with her sister and a Murder Mystery Birthday Party. Then we have son's first day at Nursery looming and finally....... Troutie's first ever giveaway. Come back next week to get your hands on some free, female friendly porn. I'm not even joking. Tell your friends, your childrens' schoolteachers, your dentist, your husband - and come back to get naughty. Don't be shy..... I just admitted incontinence....thank god this fucking blog is anonymous.....sometimes people, we just have to be brave.

7 comments:

  1. Star jump on a trampoline ? Before or after children. Well played. Loving the blog and congrats on the baby xx

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  2. is it wrong to have laughed out loud at that?? Will be keeping an eye out for the lady porn!

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  3. Convulsing with laughter & yes, a bit of piddle leaked out.

    So glad it's not just me ;-)

    MD xx

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  4. Ah yes, incontinence - another joyful consequence of motherhood. Those kids just keep on giving, don't they?

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  5. Hahahahaha! No.

    But I've definitely had trouble on the trampoline.

    Maybe it was more the power of suggestion that you experienced? Or a sympathy wee? No, probably not sympathy.

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  6. And one more reason I paid other people to give birth to my children...my sofa is expensive.

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  7. True bravery is going on a bloody trampoline once you've had a vaginal birth...WHY WOULD YOU...once you've squeezed out a baby, how the hell are you gonna stop a trickle of wee...

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