Friday, 4 March 2011

Free Porn - by women, for women

You’re probably thinking that this is just a shocking title to get you to read this post and that if you scroll down far enough you’ll discover that it’s a play on words and that there is no free porn to be had. Well, you’d be wrong and also deprived of the chance to get some free porn.

Whenever I get any e-mails as a result of this blog (which is not a lot) I am always dismayed as to how the person claiming to have read my blog is blatantly full of shit.

Consider, if you will these well thought out pitches.

 
“Hi Troutie,

We at Kickers (http://www.kickers.co.uk) have been scouting the internet to find a select few bloggers to work with us in upcoming projects and really love the work you’re doing on your blog!"

Now you see immediately I know that this is a pile of crap because had they genuinely looked at my last post (at that time) they would have seen that I wrote about vaginas. Hello Kickers people!!! Vaginas!!

I know that on an off day I might write a post without the f-word in it and that sometimes I write about nice things, (especially at Christmas when I do something crafty) and you might find references to tapestry and Miss Marple on my blog if you looked really hard; but mostly it’s sex, feminist rants and a list of drunken episodes. Although it pains me to say it, especially since my son has just grown out of gorgeous pair of red Kickers……… Kickers people, I am not the poster girl for your footwear.

This one was my favourite.

It was from someone called ‘you friend’ and the subject heading “any questions about your hair?”

This was the message:

“Any ideas on hair and make upp?

Haircut? lowlights? (PICS)?

Should I dye my hair red again?

How do you take the blonde out of your hair?

What colour should i dye my hair ?

I got my hair permed 2 weeks ago n i cant loosen them up i washed n conditioned them quite often still no use?

What can i use to decrunch my hair?

What should i do if i have damaged hair?

Why does my hair get greasy so fast?

All questions like this you can find answer in that web:

http://www.great-pics.info/

hope this can give you a good idea about you hair.

Thanks

Yours ever”



Well, yours ever, I would LOVE to know how to decrunch my hair but somehow your command of English is making me mistrustful of EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

So, I was left thinking, what kind of products could I actually be associated with? What would I ever be able to give away, or review, on my blog?

The answer is of course: female friendly porn.

Well, I knew exactly where I could get that and so I sent an e-mail to the delightful Anna Span (who I’ve been linking lots lately) and before I knew it, four sealed DVD’s landed in my post box.

And here’s where the idea is so darn brilliant……..because if there is one big, long, silence and zero comments and I lose all of my 72 followers then I get to keep it all!!!!!!

So, for better or worse, here it is: Troutie’s first ever giveaway.

We may be mummybloggers but it’s not all about breastpumps and antibacterial kitchen wipes. We have feelings too – sexual ones and here’s some porn where it’s not all about his pleasure but ours. What a breath of fresh air!

“So what do we do to get our mucky paws on one of your delights, Troutie?” I hear you cry!

Well, it’s simple. Ever played the porn name game?

You take the name of your first pet and your mother’s maiden name and put them together.

So it might be something like ‘Fluffy Dickens’ or ‘Honey Anderson’

Of course there is nothing to stop you making it up but chances are the real thing is weirder than you could ever invent. So, what are you waiting for? Leave your best shot in the comments section or email me. I guess I will just choose the four I think are the funniest. I’m almost hoping that you are all too prudish …..

I’m off for a photoshoot tomorrow and will be back here soon to tell you all about my experience which I fully expect to be a TOTAL NIGHTMARE. Although I'm hoping my sister's Murder Mystery Dinner Party in the evening, will make up for it.

What larks!

** Competition closes midday Friday 11th March**


15 comments:

  1. See the problem here is that I'm committed to anonymity and I've told pretty much everyone what my porn name is. Because it's a good one. So I'll have to lie. Alfred Jones.

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  2. Horsley Adams

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  3. Ooh, I'd love me some free porn. My pornstar name is Rusty Jones. Not that funny, more like a mediocre American singer than porn starlet.

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  4. Piepmatz Urban.

    If I ever consider a career in female friendly Polish porn, this shall be my screen name.

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  5. Popeye McMeekin

    >certainly funny but not very 'pornish'

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  6. Now I REALLY wish I had a multi region DVD player. Dammit.
    Porn name: Pushkin Eliot
    Not really that exciting. If I had been a porn star IRL I would definitely have changed it to Chompy McVag

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  7. OK, I'm going to give you two names. The first is my porn name as specified by you: Rosie Taylor. Not at all exciting, so here's a name I came up with when my sis and I were roaming the Cotswolds as 8 and 6 year old kids, pretending to be resistance fighters battling the Nazis. The genius of this was that each of these resistance fighters had a horse (in the absence of real ones in our lives), so my name (and in my defence, I had clearly been reading Flanders far too much) was Stratford Jones on Caeser... It just sounds wrong, doesn't it? Though not to my 8 year old self, obviously

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  8. Smokey Brooks - which is actually rather fabulous and will be my chosen name when I enter the world of burlesque.

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  9. Biscuit Beaumont... I think the word "biscuit" is rather appropriate.. don't you...

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  10. I missed the giveaway darn it, but my porn star name is Frisky Pine. Which I kind of like! Maybe I'll just start using it for business.

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  11. Goddamn you Miss Geeky that would have been a contender!!!!!

    And for everyone else's benefit apparently in Australia a biscuit is a vagina!!! (See Ninanoclues comment) I didn't know that until today.

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