Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Cursed be Haman and my Hairdresser

Today I had hoped to regale you with tales of drunken Orthodox Jews but, contrary to last year, Purim was a wash out.

Living, as I do, in an area highly populated by Orthodox Jews I have become familiar with their customs and holidays. Purim is by far my favourite. Last year I was astounded to wake up to truck loads of Jews hurtling towards my flat, in fancy dress, dancing to sound systems balanced precariously on the backs of vehicles, seemingly having a rip-roaring time.

For those of you not acquainted with Orthodox Jews, they live by some very strict rules which to a girl-about-town like me, doesn’t look like a lot of fun.

The women wear wigs and headscarves and heavy tights whatever the weather. Long skirts, flat shoes, quilted coats, jumpers and blouses with high necklines in dark colours are required.

If you ask me, the men have all the fun. Huge furry Russian style hats, long black satin jackets, thick white tights and, best of all, two perfectly coiffured ringlets either side of the head; I long to know whether they are tonged. They simply must be.

Orthodox Jews are not very keen on getting to know their neighbours. No eye contact, no polite smiles, no passing of the time of day. So it comes as quite a shock when you see them dressed up in afro wigs jumping up and down on the back of a truck looking quite tipsy. I was so shocked last year I had to call my authority on all things Jewish, my dear friend in Australia.

“What the hell is going on with the Jews?” I asked him

“It’s fantastic!” he said “It’s Purim and Jewish people are positively encouraged to get drunk. They will be rolling in the gutter by midnight!”

Of course this only applies to the men.

This year wasn’t a patch on the merry making of last year. I don’t know what happened. The credit-crunch? A lack of Kosher wine? I have no idea. Although in some ways I was glad not to have my nose rubbed into the fact that even Orthodox Jews were having more fun than me.

This explains my lack of blog inspiration.

“ update your blog or it's going to slip off my favourites.....” remonstrated a dear friend of mine.

But I haven’t even got morning sickness! My life is unparalleled in its dullness. It constitutes my tapestry and my bed and a very bad haircut.

That reminds me….I have a seriously bad haircut. I mean a seriously bad haircut. It’s so bad that I’m suddenly getting heaps of attention from the butch lesbians at work and someone said I looked like Annie Lennox. Don’t get me wrong Annie Lennox is very cool, but she is 56. Do you see why I am staying in bed now?

Events on the horizon this week include my dating scan on Thursday where I predict that I will discover I am having twins. This will finish both me and my blog off for good and who the fuck is going to finish my tapestry then?

I love the fact that after my last blog people seemed to be much more shocked about my penchant for tapestry than they were about the conception. I can't believe that I'm almost 33 and still haven't a clue about my cycle. Am I the only one who thinks that getting pregnant two days after your period has finished is just a little bit freakish? And just for the record I don't actually want a biologically accurate answer to that question. Just humour me so that I don't feel so utterly idiotic.


  1. Well, in regards to that last bit, I think I'll just have to zip it very tightly and give you a consoling virtual pat on the shoulder, as I have a Bachelor's in biology.

    In any event, are we going to see some photos of this tapestry or what?

    (As a side note, I'm having a ridiculously difficult time convincing Blogger that posting my comment would be really pretty awesome.)

  2. I know nothing about my cycle either. to be honest I've never cared enough to find out.

  3. Sperm live for 5 days :-(

  4. Hey you're pregnant too! Mine's for August! I'll come back to check how you are doing.

  5. Yes, getting preggers 2 days after your cycle seems just wrong! I would have voted you were safe, but then again, I think having a baby and all the hormonal stuff just throws everthing.

    It took 10 mos for mine to come back because of nursing and it can be very light or horrifying heavy (along the lines of - had to go home to shower at lunch). It can last a normal amount of time or forever. And it can be 6 weeks between. I'm not trusting my body to get ANYTHING right and think I could totally get pregnant 2 days before after or during.

  6. Repeat after me: "I am normal. Everything is normal." then just keep saying that till the baby comes out.

    Am I allowed to be a little bit excited about the dating scan? Cause I am... eep! Good luck!!

    And if you have twins when they get bigger you can put all three kids to work in some kind of tapestry sweatshop - they're little fingers would do really fine work I reckon.

  7. Troutie - was wondering where the f*ck you had gotten to. Glad you are still alive and kicking, in more ways than one.

    LCM x

  8. p.s. put me back on your fucking favourites...

  9. shit.. that was you yesterday.. I could've sweore it was Annie? Am back dude.. lets catch up

  10. Lets just say you are not the only one for whom a few beers, a lack of contraception and a its only two days after my period we'll be fine attitude leads to an unexpected bundle of joy arriving later in the year. Ah hem.

  11. My firstborn was concieved the day after my period finished and after lots of booze, I could have sworn that was the least possible fertile time of the month. My second was concieved when firstborn was ten months old and I missed one pill! One! I've had a coil fitted, I'm just too haphazzard for condoms and pills. Leave nothing to chance. Good luck x